Wherever I turn I’m constantly bombarded with happy, products that will make me happy, services that will solve all my problems and make me happy, happy is on billboards everywhere I look and still I don’t believe in happy.

I think it is unnatural to be happy all the time, that it is a disorder, just like being sad all the time.
In that frenzied chase for being happy more and more people is seriously depressed, they feel that they failed in life if it is nothing like commercials and happy sitcoms on TV.
Happy is shoved down our throats and poured into our brains with fucking funnels.

So, how much happy is normal and is it that important?

In my humble opinion happy is really nice stuff, feels good, like a drug, and I want more and more of it and the more I want it the harder is to achieve happiness. So, happy is a drug we are all hooked on.
I would sell my mom to buy stuff that will magically make me happy forever, just like everybody else would, and that is so bad.

Talking to a friend of mine, who is a metalhead super psychiatrist, I asked him why I was depressed, crying, little bitch and not happy at all. When he finished with laughing his ass off he just told me : It is not normal to be happy all the time, it is a temporary emotion just like being sad. Stop giving a fuck about being happy and go about your fucking business, neutral is normal, feeling content is normal, and ups and downs just happened, hundred times a day.
At that time it didn’t sink in right away, I was still a depressed little bitch in chase for happy feelings and pink fucking bunnies on green fields in sunshine with cartoon music playing in the background.

But that conversation came to haunt me for few nights, made me think when was the last time when I was happy.

Answer hit me like a well deserved bithcslap: I was happy when my life was so stable that I didn’t gave a single fuck if I was happy.
Back then my dad was still alive and my mum was still not as crazy as she is now, I had great group of friends and went camping constantly, my studies went great and my relationships were fun.
And one day, I made a mistake and flopped a year, I hurt myself and stopped training and started putting on weight, my dad died in a horrible manner, my mum went bet crazy, and I ended up in bad, abusive relationship, all in the short period of time.

And instead of recovering and moving on I started pushing myself to be happy, I tried everything, being someone else, therapy, drugs, parties, insane shopping, crafting, dating musicians… you name it. And I was not happy, I was miserable, more so every day, I honestly thought I will end up in mental hospital. I lost myself in the process of finding happiness, looked in the mirror and I didn’t recognize person looking back, pale, sad, old and broken. Some more shit happend in my life, I have lost everything I cared about and all my stability in attempt to be happy.

And now, a month after that conversation I can stand behind my conviction that quest for happy is shit, I finally understand what my friend wanted to say. And instead of trying to pick up pieces of my life and gluing them with hopes and dreams I have taken a step back, much like a reset point on my computer. Didn’t lost any data, just some junk and I’m starting over, building something stable and safe, keeping busy and going about my business not giving a fuck if I’m happy. Happy will happen from time to time, just like everything else.